When God Fights for Your Soul

I was rescued last year! Yes literally rescued! Have you ever found yourself in a hopeless situation? I mean a dark, desolate, scary place that you have no idea how you will escape it? Well, I did. It wasn't the first time in my life I felt hopeless. I knew hopelessness all too well. A series of suicide attempts, drug overdoses, failed relationships, incarcerations and countless drug/alcohol/psychiatric facilities brought me to my knees last September 2019. I was in the darkest place in my life, which at the time I had no idea what battle I was in the midst of, and I was in an indescribable state of fear. When I looked in the mirror, which wasn't often, I was staring at death. Not physical death either, that would have been a blessing at that time. No, I was staring at an empty soul. I had completely turned my life over to the ways of the world at a young age, 17 years old (10 days before I was to turn 18). I wasn't until right before my 43rd birthday (10 days before, to be exact), that what was once lost had finally been found...me.  Satan stole whatever good I had in me at 17 when I was raped by a co-worker.  I was already dabbling in the ways of the world, with drugs and sex; however, I still believed in Jesus. Or did I? I was involved with a pretty big ministry at that time, the Vineyard and I attended church with my family, North Coast Church. But you know that old saying about riding fences??? That sexual assault was a pivotal moment with my faith, looking back. And what I find so amazing is it was exactly 25 years to the date that I was in my Wilderness. I spent a quarter of a century serving the very one who robbed me of my joy for 25 years.

I didn't know it at the time, but the spiritual war for my soul started in May 2019. I really thought I was going insane. But I suppose what the Lord wanted me to see, He allowed and it started with an encounter with a person who called himself "Vile." I never saw his face, for whatever reason I cannot remember what he looked like. I only know he had beautiful features, was enticing, welcomed me into his backyard and got me high from midnight until I realized it was daylight. Time literally stopped for me that night. I don't know exactly where I was, I just know that I was surrounded by darkness. I believe without a shadow of a doubt, I had a fullblown encounter with the Father of Lies, yes Satan himself. And it was no longer fun from then on. I had horrible visions of demonic spirits and entities. I wasn't even using drugs everyday. I couldn't escape the things I was seeing or the encounter I had with Vile. Do you know the definition for vile? Well let me tell you what Merriam-Webster says, "morally despicable or abhorrent, physically repulsive, disgustingly or utterly bad." A few words to describe the word vile are: loathsome, EVIL, hateful, horrible, filthy, infamous, flagrant, foul, mean, nasty, repulsive, SINFUL, vicious, vulgar, WICKED and worthless.  Sound like anyone you have ever heard of before? Nonetheless, I found myself looking for him a few more times and surprisingly none of the homeless and drug community knew who he was or anyone that went by that name and crazy enough, but so true, no one wanted to even associate with anyone that went by that name. I had one homeless man tell me, "You can't get any more evil than Vile, so I wouldn't go looking for him anymore." I really thought I was going crazy. I couldn't escape the lack of an image of this person and no amount of drugs I used would let me forget the encounter. Three weeks later I overdosed at a friends house and was hospitalized for several days which landed me back in California after being gone for 15 years. Last summer was the most terrifying summer I ever experienced in my entire life on this earth.

My mom told me that we come to the Lord in one of two ways: by Fear or by Love. I came running back to God out of fear. A kind of fear that I have never encountered. A kind of fear you see in psychological thriller type movies. You know that on the edge of your seat but can't move a single muscle kind of fear, paralyzing fear. And that was the battle going on inside. All that false confidence and fearlessness I lived for 25 years was gone. I was afraid of everything and everyone. And I couldn't deal with the pure love that my mom and stepdad showed me that summer. I was losing the battle, but God had already won it for me! Everything came crashing to an end 10 days before my 43rd birthday! Just as everything fell apart for Satan to make his move, so did everything fall apart in order for God to make His winning move and rescue my soul. My family had removed themselves from my insanity, and my father woke me out of a dead sleep, screaming and yelling about how I was going to be facing Domestic Terrorism charges in Arizona and other not so pleasant things. He made me pack all of my stuff and leave his home. The last option to survive had been taken away from. God shut every single door in my life so that He was the ONLY option!

I rededicated my life to Jesus on October 6, 2019. My life has been changed so much that it has been hard to wrap my head around how much good has happened! I will tell you this much. The Lord God is the God of total restoration, deliverance, redemption and forgiveness! And so much more.

I look forward to sharing my journey with you...stay tuned for more!